Here We Go, Again

It has only been four months since you left but it seems like forever already. Here we go, again, yes, again. Here we go with the lonely nights and days of feeling blue because we are trying to understand how to cope with missing you. Here we go again with the heartache of watching the kids cry because they had no idea how long it would be when they told you good-bye. Here we go again with the fears of you being gone and the daily prayer that God will please allow you to make it home. Here we go again, yes, again.

Here we go again with the random tears and the hidden fears. Will things change like before? Will we ever see the man who walked out of the door? Although I truly want these thoughts to pass me by, I sometimes wonder will it be the same as the day we said goodbye. Here we go again with missing your touch, your hugs, and your smile. So many days we wish we could get to you but with that would come traveling many miles. Here we go again with everything seeming to fall apart when you are gone and dealing with the feelings of having to handle a lot of things all alone. Here we go, again, yes, again.

Here we go again facing the fact that even though we are apart life must go on and sometimes it seems impossible but we all must be strong. The kids are missing you like crazy and so do I, however, we are all grateful as each day goes by. Many people do not understand the heartache that we feel as we are forced to separate and no, time does not heal. Time does not heal the wounds we gain from the time we lose or the special moments that you can only hear about as if it were news. The first year of our baby’s life that you will miss or the sadness that Mariah feels because she desires to give her dad a goodnight kiss. Time will not replace the first year of middle school for our first born or the long-awaited first day of kindergarten for our second son. 

Many people do not understand the price that we pay when they look at us and think we have it made. There is a sacrifice that comes along with this life we live and the precious moments of your life that you have chosen to give. You give to your country that you support and love and you truly believe that this is a call from above. A call to help improve the lives of others no matter their gender, background, or color. So, because of that, here we go again, yes, again. Here we go again with another opportunity to appreciate what we have worked to create; a chance to help others understand even those that cannot relate. A chance to grow as a family, although we are apart, we are truly connected by the heart. Here we go again with another opportunity for God’s glory to be revealed and although time cannot, God can and will heal. He will make up for the time that we have lost and compensate us for paying such a significant cost. Here we go again, yes, again.

Here we go again with the chance for our love to grow in a different light and for our relationship to blossom even in spite. In spite of the distance, our love is real and the test of time can and will reveal that it is possible to love and be apart for a while, when your heart is in it then you make a decision to continue to smile. We deal with the tears and the dateless days as we keep in mind that this is only a phase. This is a temporary situation that will have long-lasting benefits; As we learn to cherish and have a different appreciation for our moments. The moments we are together as a family, the times we love and share, have a different meaning when you are here. Since we understand what it means for you to be gone we truly appreciate you when you are home. Here we go again with an opportunity for our kids to grow as they experience some hardships that other kids will never know. A time for them to walk in their resilience and show others how in the midst of fear you can walk through as fearless. So, as I thank you for all that you do I also thank God for another chance to show how we, the Johnson’s, can and will make it through. Here we go again, yes, again.

^“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee”.   Isaiah 26:3

 

                                                      WE ARE THE JOHNSON’S

A Letter to My Baby Girl

 

Baby girl,

There is so much I want you to know. There is so much I want to say, and I pray that one day you will understand all of my intentions my true intentions. For many years I desired to have a daughter. God promised me many years prior to your birth that I would conceive a girl. At times, the promise looked bleak and there were moments I began to question if you would ever arrive. After the loss of your sisters, I struggled with continuing to believe because I was afraid of another disappointment; but with the help of God, I fought my way back from that dark place. Eventually, God’s word was fulfilled with you, my promise. I will always remember the night God spoke to me in a dream, “Mariah is coming,” that night forever changed my life for the better. Even then, I had no idea the blessing that was in store for me.

I know that people call you a “mini-me,” and that is okay but, a “mini-me” is not what I hope you become. I hope that you are an original you, one that is confident in who God has created you to be and that you walk in that design without apologies. Yes, I will set the path but, you must follow along in your own set of footprints. I desire for you to be so much more than me and to go further than I ever could. I hope that you refuse to make the same mistakes that I have made and continue to make. I pray that you are not too hard on yourself but, you also realize that in order to be all that you can, you must maintain standards that some others may not understand.

I hope that you will not allow the misunderstanding of others to cause you to question who you are and that you will not allow the words or thoughts of others to change you. I pray that you will keep your beautiful smile, your outgoing personality, your love for music, your love for dance, your compassionate heart and your love for people. Never be ashamed of your passions although they may be misunderstood. I hope that you will overcome any fears that could possibly hinder you from reaching your goals and that you will walk boldly in the strength and courage that God himself has imparted into you. I pray that you will make the decision to change the negative habits that you may have learned and be the best you that you can be.

I hope that you will take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Never be afraid or ashamed to let go of people who constantly bring negativity into your life and encourage you to be less than what God has called you to be. Always choose friends that will encourage you, help you to achieve your dreams, love you for who you are, and have your back at all times. Baby girl, my prayer is that you will walk in good health and prosperity. I pray that you walk forward and choose not to look back as so many do because the past is the past and there is nothing there for you. Always press towards the mark for a brighter day and do not be deterred by what others think or say.

I pray you will understand your value and your worth and any man that comes along will be required to live up to the standards that your dad and brothers have set before you. You are a beautiful jewel and you have no reason to settle for less. Mariah, I pray that you remember that your body is a temple and a precious gift that should always be treasured. I pray you make sure that you are his choice and that you will not settle for being an option. You deserve to be the one and only and you deserve to be the apple of his eye. I pray that God will allow me to live to raise you from being the princess you are into the queen you are meant to be.

I hope that I am setting the path for you and being the example of a virtuous woman with integrity, strength, courage, and faith. I know you will make mistakes but I hope that you do not allow those mistakes to define you. I want to see you fly high and to stand tall in this life. I desire to see you overcome any obstacles that may come your way and achieve your goals each day. Remember, never allow failures to determine your choices or the betrayal of people to run your life. Most importantly, always know that people may leave you but God never will. Mariah, just as your name implies, you are beloved, the Lord is and will continue to be your teacher, and you are the star of the sea. I love you my baby girl!

Always and Forever,

Mom

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In the Meantime

Worried, afraid, and confused are all words that can be used to describe my feelings.  One day everything seemed fine.  I was busy taking care of my husband, my kids, and my home.  The excitement I had begun to feel about my future writing career could not be described.  School was going well and I was working towards my second Master’s degree while working on building my family’s blog talk show when one day things changed.  There may have been some subtle signs before, but honestly, I did not notice.  However, when I noticed the signs, there was no denying that they were there.

My body was changing and I was experiencing things that I had never experienced before.  I began searching online trying to figure out what was going on with me.  My husband, being the awesome person he is, finally told me in a very loving way, that I was allowing myself to be consumed and I did not even realize it.  Although I was waiting for doctor appointments, they just did not seem to come fast enough.  I felt like I needed answers immediately.  I wanted to know why my body was turning on me and what I had done to cause it to do so.

I will never forget this one particular evening I was talking to a sister in Christ on the phone and she said some wonderful and uplifting things to me.  There was one thing she said which caused me to take a closer look at myself and how I was handling this situation.  She began to share with me about how God was dealing with her concerning the “meantime” moments.  The ironic thing is that the next day I spoke with another friend who had been given the same word!  I knew without a shadow of a doubt there was something I personally needed to receive about my meantime moment.

The meantime is our time of waiting and sometimes a time of suffering and endurance.  This is the time when we have yet to see the manifestation of what we desire and what we have prayed for, however, we believe that we will.  The meantime comes before the appointed time.  In the meantime, we may struggle physically, emotionally, mentally, and physically but we remind ourselves that this time is only temporary.  The meantime is not the end; it is the time that comes before the promise.    

During the meantime, it is often difficult to see a positive ending.  When things are looking contrary to what we are hoping, many times, we find ourselves discouraged and maybe even depressed because we don’t have a complete understanding of what is happening and why.  However, we must remember that while we are in our meantime moments, there is still activity taking place.  Meanwhile, God is still working on our behalf, and he is answering our prayers.  While we are in our meantime moments, we must keep believing!  We must keep praying!  We must keep trusting!  We must keep seeking!  We must keep loving!  We must keep sowing!

 In the meantime, it is important to remember that there is a name that is above every problem or situation that we could ever face.  In the meantime moments know that God still sits on the throne and that Jesus still sits at the right hand as an advocate for us.  He has promised to heal, deliver, and set the captives free.  In the meantime, we must make a choice to stay focused on what is ahead of us and not what is before us.   There is an appointed time, and before it appears, there is a meantime.

 

“Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.” Psalms 34:19 KJV

 

Hey Mom, You are Appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who works 8 hours a day only to spend 4 hours with your kids before going to bed in order to prepare for the next 8 hour work day, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who stays home with your kids while never getting a moment to clear your head, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who decided not to immunize, who breast feeds and prefers cloth diapers, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who decided that formula feeding works best for you and your baby while deciding immunizations and pampers are okay too, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who gave birth with pain medicine or maybe even a c-section, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who gave birth naturally and was capable of enduring the pain without assistance, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who has not been able to give birth at all but has chosen to love a child that was birth by another, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who birth a child but was unable to provide the security needed so you decided to share your role as mother, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who deals with the conflicts of co-parenting with dad, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who parent’s alone, because dad for some reason is not in the home or involved, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who home schools her kids, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who has public school as the only option, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who chose private school in lieu of the other two, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who questions yourself and whether or not you are getting it all right, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who tries to live up to the standards and expectations of others while not realizing that you are awesome all by herself, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who cries in the dark when no one is around because you desire to give your children the best of you, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who makes mistakes over and over again but refuses to allow those mistakes to keep you from striving to become a better person, you are appreciated!

Hey mom, yes, you, the one who has raised her kids into wonderful adults and sometimes feels forgotten, know that you are not forgotten and you are appreciated!

To the mothers who constantly give their all and make sacrifices on a daily basis; sacrifices that often seem to go unnoticed, you are appreciated!

To the mothers who work to provide while dealing with the guilt of losing time; as well as the mothers who feel guilty for desiring free time, although you desperately need it, you are appreciated!

 

With so much criticism in the world today, we often fail to realize our value as people. To all of the mothers out there, regardless of race, nationality or background, you are appreciated!  There is nothing that compares to the nurturing and loving presence of a mother.  Regardless of differences in opinions and choices, mom, you are appreciated!   

 

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My Heartbeats,Jamiyah and Jamiece

My Girls, My Loves, My Miracles

Sent from the Heavens Above

I Thank God for choosing me as the vessel for your Life

Baby, did you hear their Heartbeat –

Yes, I hear Beat One and Beat Two

Blessed, Angelic Angels

Gifts from God

Smiles on our face

Joy in our Hearts

My psyche would have never envisioned

I would have to experience losing you so soon

Your Sweet Breaths shortly disappeared from your being

Sounds of your Precious Heartbeats has become silent

Our Physical Encounter was very brief

But I Thank God for every moment we shared

From the first day He placed you both in My Womb

I Thank God for your Movements and your Sounds

My Girls, My Loves, My Miracles

My Soul Cries

As the Tears fall from my Eyes

Articulating the Words, I Miss You is an understatement

Jamiyah & Jamiece you are in our thoughts daily

We carry your Spirits with Grace

We will Forever Hold You in our Hearts

God, My Father although I lost part of me

I Thank You

Thank You for Your Amazing Promises

Thank You for Me being Chosen to Embrace your Gifts

God, I Thank You for being that Calm, Peaceful Wind in the midst of the Storm

I Thank You, for allowing your Peace to Be Still in My Turbulent Time of Distress

Thank You God for Jamiyah & Jamiece

My Girls, My Loves, My Miracles

 

Written For: Jamiyah & Jamiece Johnson (September 2010)

Written By: Ms. Jones (September 2016)

 

 

Shifting the Atmosphere

Many times, when God is exalting us, he performs a shift in our lives.  When a shifting occurs, there is a change in position, an unexpected movement, and often times, the removal and addition of people in our lives.  In the process of a shift, we are often confused and have many unanswered questions.  People, we assumed would be in our lives forever, unexpectedly leave and the ones we least expect become our primary supporters.  During a shift we sometimes lose things that are important to us and become increasingly distraught as it seems as though things are getting worse opposed to better.

It is important to remember, that when God is shifting our atmosphere, this shift is always a part of a greater plan.  Although things may happen that are beyond our understanding, nothing occurring is in vain.  When God desires to move us to a higher place, often we are placed in uncomfortable positions; positions that feel strange and new.  While in these positions, we have no choice but to make moves that we most likely would not have made before.   We are often forced to press forward and take risks that we would have normally been afraid to take.   While in this place, God is pushing us into his greater purpose for our lives.  We sometimes find ourselves expanding our limits, in an effort to fulfill, an urgent desire that we may not completely understand.    Our thoughts and views begin to change, and it is common to receive revelation and insight on things we never have before.  The visions we have for ourselves are often far less than what God desires for us, therefore, he allows things to come about that will cause us step out into unknown territory.  This territory is usually an essential part of reaching our destiny and fulfilling God’s divine purpose for our lives.

At this moment, if strange things seem to be happening, and you are questioning what you could be doing wrong know that it could simply be due to God shifting the atmosphere in your life.  All of the changes, relationship transitions, and altering life views, could all be a part of the shift.  If you are being directed to do things that are new, know that you could be in a shift.  The uneasy feelings and the restlessness will soon cease as things begin to settle into their proper new positions.  During this time embrace the process that is taking place.  Even though it feels awkward and you may not completely understand the purpose of each stage, remember that God is causing and allowing change.  This change is not to hinder, hurt or break you but it is to define, encourage, make and mold you.  God is simply shifting your atmosphere!

You are a Privilege, not an Entitlement!

Recently, while having a heartfelt conversation with one of my dear friends, I received a revelation that completely changed my view of relationships. As we were discussing previous and current friendships, my friend said one word that made me realize not only how valuable I am, but also how valuable others are to me.  The one word that altered my perspective was the word, “privilege”.  The idea of a relationship being a privilege had never crossed my mind.  However, I now understand that I am a privilege and not an obligation.  In other words, I am a benefit and a special advantage opposed to an ordinary right.  Yes, I am a privilege and so are you!

Many times we allow people to take our presence, in their lives, for granted. People will misuse us and abuse us, while treating us as though we have no value.   Unfortunately, we often unintentionally give them the approval to do so.  It is not uncommon to be involved in relationships, whether with family or friends, which lack balance.  We sometimes believe that we hold a place in someone’s heart and/or mind that has never been open to us.  In an effort to secure these places, we often find ourselves fighting for relationships that lack the loyalty we believe they hold.  We forget or fail to realize our importance, when we encourage ourselves to believe that we need relationships with people who devalue our worth.  We do not need these relationships nor should we accept them.  We are privileges and not entitlements!

We are not guarantees because someone believes they meet the qualifications to benefit from us. We are not programs offered by the government that lack depth and commitment. When we open our hearts, minds, lives, thoughts and innermost beings to people that is a choice.  Those choices are often made out of love, respect, honor, devotion, and trust.  The same feelings and emotions that prompt our choice to give of ourselves, in relationships, should be reciprocated by the other persons.  We are worthy of the same love, respect, honor, devotion and trust that we give because we are privileges and not entitlements!

People do not automatically have a right to our time, but instead, it is a gift that we freely decide to give. Our conversations, advice, wisdom, and experiences are not obligations and should; therefore, be appreciated as special rights.  When we decide to include others in the lives of our families, that is an honor.  By sharing our weddings, anniversaries, the success of our children, college graduations, new arrivals, and more, we are giving people the opportunity to take part in the special moments of our lives.  These moments should be savored by people who are also willing to share theirs. 

Only people, who understand the importance of a two- way relationship and the respect that is imperative in that relationship, should be granted the rights to your sacred memories.  Having access to your life is a privilege!  The opportunity to share your joys and fears is a privilege!   Someone being allowed to bond with your spouse and children is a privilege!   We should no longer allow people to treat us as though they are entitled to us and take us for granted.  We should no longer allow people, who disrespect our feelings, by ending relationships without warning or explanations, to occupy our hearts and our thoughts.  We are valuable, and our relationships should be treated as such.  Remember, you are a privilege, not an entitlement!     

 

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False Positive Part II

As I sat in the room waiting on my lab results, I maintained the hope that this time would be different than before. Unfortunately, I was wrong.  After I received the lab results, the doctor came in and advised that both of my pregnancy tests were suspected to be “false positives”.  Due to my history, we later determined that I suffered a chemical pregnancy, which is often associated with “false positive” pregnancy test.  Although there was a fertilized egg, it never completely implanted or for some reason, it could not continue to grow in my uterus, which resulted in an early miscarriage.  At the time I received the positive pregnancy test results, the fate of the baby was already determined but we had no idea.

As I sat in the room, the words “false” and “positive” kept ringing in my ears. After years of infertility, followed by years of back to back pregnancies, I never encountered a false positive pregnancy test and definitely not two of them.  How could something that seemed so accurate on the surface end up being wrong?  If the tests were truly false positives then the excitement and expectation that my family felt was based on a counterfeit positive result.  Although this was a natural situation, I found myself receiving a spiritual awakening and powerful revelation.

Proverbs 16:25 states, “There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but then end thereof are the ways of death”. There are times when we are believing in and practice ways that seem right.  We are definite that these ways are leading us down the right path, however, in actuality they are not.  As people of God, we have been given a layout and a specific design that we are commanded to follow.  Failure to follow this layout and /or design will cause us to be separated from God and will lead to death.  By not abiding by God’s plan and instructions, our spirits will suffer and eventually the relationship that we have worked hard to build will suffocate.

At the present time, it is imperative that we know the truth and that we allow the Holy Spirit to lead us and guide us.   Many of us are convinced that our ways are correct, but they are actually false positives.  In other words, these ways and ideas are built on purposeful deceit, by the enemy.  We are looking forward to a successful end, but that end is only an illusion.  This road that is spoken of in Proverbs is a road that is an imitation; however, this road closely resembles the correct way.  Although the road leads the wrong way, it has been given the attractions needed to fool even the wise.

The road has been padded with luxury statements, which are meant to please our fleshly desires, without the true conviction that comes from the word of God. One that seems to be right, because it is the life that is modeled by those we have put our trust in, however, we have failed to compare it to God’s word.   The road has signs that tell us to stop when we should go and signs that tell us to go when we should stop.  This road is filled with hidden fears and distractions.  Hateful ways are disguised as loving ways and relationships are constantly destroyed while on this road.

As we are traveling on this road, we have a false assurance that we will obtain success, when failure is truly the only destination on the road. Let’s be diligent in our walk with God.  We must seek him to ensure that we are not living a life filled with false hope and expectations.  Just as there is a road that seems right, there is a road that is right.  There is a road filled with strength, hope, guidance, love, fulfillment, healing, deliverance and abundance.  There is a road that God has ordained and it will only guide us into his loving truth.  There is a road that will lead to restored relationships, forgiveness and success.  There is a road that is not a “false positive” but truly is “positive”.

 ^“The simple believeth every word: but the prudent man looketh well to his going.” Proverbs 12:15

 

False Positive

We could not believe it! Finding out on our daughter’s 2^nd birthday that we were expecting again was beyond shocking.  The pregnancy tests, I took that afternoon, were both positive.  After the birth of our daughter, I was almost sure that I did not desire to biologically have any more children.  The fact that I will be turning 40- years- old in a few months, definitely played a major part in that conclusion.  My husband, on the other hand, was more open to the idea than I was.  We would have the discussion randomly, over the past couple of years, however, until recently it has not been anything that we have fully embraced nor actively pursued.  This is why it was such a surprise when we found out that I was pregnant again.  Both of us were surprised yet grateful, that a once barren woman, has now been given the opportunity to experience multiple pregnancies.  We know that God is faithful and although we felt a bit unprepared we also counted the news as a blessing.

We immediately shared the news with close family, a few trusted friends and our children. I was very surprised at the excitement shown by my husband and our eldest son.  To say that their reaction gave me an unexplainable joy is an understatement.  Our youngest son even began to join in and show some joyful interest when discussing the idea of having another baby in the house.  The feelings of apprehension, I had previously dealt with concerning having another baby, especially at my age, immediately begin to disappear.  As I witnessed the reaction of my husband and children, I too became confident in the thought of having a new addition.

 

All of my family’s excitement came to a halt after I woke up one morning exhibiting the signs of a miscarriage. I began having symptoms the night before and against my first thought I decided to go ahead and break the news to my husband.  That was a very difficult decision for me because I knew how excited he was about the baby.  I could not seem to get past the happiness being displayed by my family concerning the pregnancy.  The next morning there was no denying that I was most likely losing the baby.  The very baby that had brought my family a few days of joyful bliss and expectation was for some reason being aborted.  By the instruction of my primary care doctor, I went to the emergency room for care, instead of the clinic. I was disheartened during this trip, especially since I was scheduled to go to my primary care clinic that day and begin the process of obtaining my ob-gyn care.  There I was, having a third miscarriage which equaled the loss of five of our babies.  Although this situation was not looking promising, I still maintained hope that the baby could survive.  The last thing I wanted was to see my family disappointed after seeing them so hopeful.

 

**To Be Continued**

 

“There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are thee ways of death” Proverbs: 14:12

Enough is Enough!

I am through with it all! I am done!  I can’t and I won’t continue to live in this manner.  I have decided that enough is enough!  The fear that has kept me in captivity for years will no longer have its hold.  The enemies of procrastination, consistent tardiness, and complacency no longer have a place in my life.  The constant doubt of who I am and confusion concerning my purpose have to go.  Why?  Because enough is enough!

The idea of settling and accepting less than what I desire in my heart, is no longer an option. I refuse to live by the boundaries that have been established around me.  The boundaries that accept poverty, lack, and the mentality that “comfortable is ok”.  I will stop looking at those who have beaten the odds and thinking, “That type of success is not for me”.  It is time out for spending too much time on the “whys” and failing to spend the required time and energy on what can be done to change the situation.  I understand some believe that we must know the past to accomplish greatness in the future; however, we sometimes allow that past to hinder our future.  We spend a lot of time expecting and looking for answers as we continue to look back and that slows down our forward movement.  Well, for me, enough is enough!

I have had enough of the hate that keeps us as people of all races and ethnicities back. I have had enough of the excuses and the blaming of everyone else but ourselves, which causes us to stay stagnant.  How we grew up, where we grew up, what happened while we were growing up does not have to be used as reasons why we cannot accomplish and achieve greatness.  These things are only used because we chose to use them and it is time to stop because enough is enough.

Settling is a choice and an opportunity. It is not a road that has to be taken it is a road that we decide to take.  Just as we have the opportunity to settle we have the opportunity to soar.  Of course it may be harder for some than others; however, it is not impossible.  Educational opportunities, business opportunities, ways to overcome debt and etc… are available to us all.  It is time that we tap into the greatness and abilities that have been placed on the inside of us.  There is nothing keeping us from reaching deep and looking high, except ourselves.  I have decided that I will no longer look to follow the trends of others but I will become the trendsetter.  I will be happy! I will be free!  I will succeed!  Why? Because the moment has come to say that enough is enough!

 

“The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” John 10:10

 

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