Finding the courage to try again Part II

2012-05-20 15.47.37To say that that the decision to try to have another baby was difficult would be more than an understatement. My husband and I found ourselves at a place in our lives we would have never imagined.  All of this on top of what we were already dealing with due to my husband’s effects from deployment.  I understand now that he truly wanted to comfort me and encourage me but there were times I could not be comforted or encouraged.  I felt like such a failure and while these feelings made me terrified to try again they also gave me an indescribable urge to try again so that I could see if this time I would succeed.

Well that following year we did try again and we were successful in achieving pregnancy, however, that all ended a month after I found out I was pregnant when I miscarried the baby. We were both going through so many emotions and we had so many unanswered questions and feelings of confusion.  It was crazy how I thought I cried a lot of tears prior to conceiving the twins when in actuality at times I would have given anything to go back to the days before. The tears I was now shedding were coming from a place of pain I had no idea even existed within me.

It is true that the loss of our girls was a mutual loss; however, we each had a personal struggle. We had to individually grieve and come to terms with the fact that our miracle babies were gone while we individually had to make a decision not to allow their deaths to stop us from any future hope of having more children.  As weird as it may sound, the truth is that once someone has endured a tragic loss of any kind they sometimes have to find the courage to try again.

For some people this loss may be due to a failed pregnancy, the loss of a job, a failed business endeavor, a divorce and many other scenarios that can cause fear and a reluctance to try it again. We must always keep in mind that each time we try again there is always hope that the next time the outcome can be different.  The key word is hope.  When we lose hope in something we cannot find the courage to try again because we have already made up in our minds that we will fail.  There is not an opportunity to have a successful outcome because in our minds we have already determined the end before there is even a beginning.

Finding the courage to try again takes overcoming fear and realizing that life is all about risks. Whether we realize it or not every day we take risks.  Without taking a risk we will never know if we will have what we so deeply desire.  Fear is paralyzing and can be one of our major enemies if we allow it.  Don’t get me wrong, some fear is healthy and needed.  The last thing we want is a world where no one fears God, the law, punishment and etc… However we also must keep in mind that some fear is the opposite of faith and that fear will always keep us from accomplishing our dreams and visions.  That fear will cause us to live an unfulfilled life where we choose to settle for a place of discontentment instead of a place of fulfillment and accomplishment.

In February 2012 after arriving in Germany I went to my husband and expressed my desire to try for another baby. He was willing and ready to try again as well.  That Easter we discovered that I was pregnant and in December of that year we welcomed our second son.  We had gone through a hard time but God still showed his faithfulness.  Throughout the pregnancy I dealt with the fear of bonding with my baby and losing him.  At one point I refused being given a baby shower because I did not want anyone to waste their money.  God placed some very special women in my life in Germany and eventually they convinced me to allow them to bless me with a shower.  I am so grateful that I finally gave in because that was a very special day and it was imperative that I conquer that fear.

Well it did not stop there. A year and a half later God blessed me to give birth to a baby girl and she was not planned.  Just like her brothers she was a healthy baby and I must admit that I had the easiest pregnancy with her.  Even in the midst of anger, hurt, confusion, hours of heartfelt conversations with my husband, mom and friends, I still had to gather the courage to try again.  I had to come to my personal peace and acceptance of the loss of our babies and realize that I could not rob myself or my family of the opportunity to try and expand our family as we so desperately desired.  There was no way I could bring our twin girls back to hear their first words, see their first steps, witness their first day of preschool and etc… Their deaths were not my fault and once I released myself of that guilt I was able to open myself up to hopes of experiencing those events with any future children God would bless us with and he did just that, blessed us indeed.  My husband and I opened ourselves up to allow God to bless us when we decided to find the courage to try again.










Finding the courage to try again Part I



Two pregnancies!!  I will never forget that unbelievable day.  I can’t recall the doctor’s name or his face but his words will always be with me.  “Did the nurse tell you about the pregnancies? You are pregnant with twins.”  I was in such shock that I did not know whether I should be excited, scared or both.  I called my husband and he thought I was joking.  Believe me at that moment I was definitely not in the mood for jokes.  I remember calling my mom and my friends on the ride home because I just could not believe how God had come through. Yep, he was rewarding us and giving us “double for our trouble”, so we thought anyway.

My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for a few years and our hopes had continuously been shattered with negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test due to my diagnosis with polycystic ovarian syndrome. Although I had a strong faith in God I experienced many low moments in my struggle with infertility and now it was all over.  I had finally been able to conceive and we were blessed with not only one miracle but two.  Wow, I felt like my tears were not in vain and my devastating struggle was finally ending.  I had no idea that the true pain was yet before me.

The entire pregnancy with our twin girls was filled with ups and downs. We would receive disturbing news about the pregnancy and then we would later get reports of hope.  Throughout the entire time I was carrying, KJ and I both kept the faith and we believed that our baby girls were going to arrive into this world alive and healthy regardless of the odds.  When September 22, 2010 arrived things had taken a horrible turn.  The day before I had gone into preterm labor despite the fact that I had been given an emergency cerclage a month earlier to prevent that very thing.  I will never forget going for a routine doctor’s appointment on August 18, 2010 only to be told that I would not only need emergency surgery but to also eventually be told that I would not be released until my babies were born.  I was only 18 weeks pregnant at the time.

That day in September yet again brought about words that I will never forget, “You have an infection in your uterus. We have to deliver your babies today.”  That was truly a blow that neither one of us were prepared for.  That explained the fever I had for almost a week, the vomiting and the chills.  The doctor made it very clear that my baby girls were dying and so was I.  Their organs were already infected and the only option was to deliver.  There was no way either one of us would survive if I didn’t.  Unfortunately that day I witnessed the stillbirth of both of my baby girls.

How could this be? How could such a miraculous time in our lives turn into something so horrible and devastating?  What had I done wrong as the woman?  Did I not eat enough?  Had I made God mad?  Was my body cursed in some way?  All of these were questions that I dealt with for months after we buried our baby girls.  I cannot explain the hurt and feelings of failure I personally dealt with as the mother who could not protect her babies.  How could I go to a routine doctor’s appointment feeling my babies move and come out a month later preparing for a double funeral?  How could I make it out alive and my baby girls die?  After such a traumatic end how would I ever find the courage to try again?


Be Intentional


I love the song “Intentional” By Travis Greene. Whenever I listen to it, I begin to think about how special I am to God and how he truly has great intentions for me.  When we do things intentionally we are doing them on purpose.  God intentionally sent Jesus to die for us and he intentionally gives us the ability, desire, vision and resources to prosper.  God does not intend for us to live below what He can accomplish within us and through us.

It is time for us to be intentional about the decisions and moves we make in life.  We should be intentionally walking in the visions and dreams that God has graciously blessed us with.  We should be intentionally serving, giving and helping others as we receive.  Since we have been created in the image of God we must intentionally begin to see ourselves as successful because God is not a failure.  It is the time to intentionally start walking in the great destiny that we were designed to reach.

Let us all intentionally focus our attention on those ideas that we have tucked away.  Let’s intentionally stop talking ourselves out of taking a risk.  Let’s intentionally stop procrastinating when it comes to our visions and dreams.  Let’s intentionally work harder at accomplishing what seems impossible for us.  Let’s intentionally overcome any area of laziness that has caused us to miss opportunities to prosper.  Let’s intentionally begin to motivate ourselves to reach our goals while also encouraging others.  Now is the time to do it!  Today is the day to start being intentional!


“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”  Proverbs 3:5-6