To say that that the decision to try to have another baby was difficult would be more than an understatement. My husband and I found ourselves at a place in our lives we would have never imagined. All of this on top of what we were already dealing with due to my husband’s effects from deployment. I understand now that he truly wanted to comfort me and encourage me but there were times I could not be comforted or encouraged. I felt like such a failure and while these feelings made me terrified to try again they also gave me an indescribable urge to try again so that I could see if this time I would succeed.
Well that following year we did try again and we were successful in achieving pregnancy, however, that all ended a month after I found out I was pregnant when I miscarried the baby. We were both going through so many emotions and we had so many unanswered questions and feelings of confusion. It was crazy how I thought I cried a lot of tears prior to conceiving the twins when in actuality at times I would have given anything to go back to the days before. The tears I was now shedding were coming from a place of pain I had no idea even existed within me.
It is true that the loss of our girls was a mutual loss; however, we each had a personal struggle. We had to individually grieve and come to terms with the fact that our miracle babies were gone while we individually had to make a decision not to allow their deaths to stop us from any future hope of having more children. As weird as it may sound, the truth is that once someone has endured a tragic loss of any kind they sometimes have to find the courage to try again.
For some people this loss may be due to a failed pregnancy, the loss of a job, a failed business endeavor, a divorce and many other scenarios that can cause fear and a reluctance to try it again. We must always keep in mind that each time we try again there is always hope that the next time the outcome can be different. The key word is hope. When we lose hope in something we cannot find the courage to try again because we have already made up in our minds that we will fail. There is not an opportunity to have a successful outcome because in our minds we have already determined the end before there is even a beginning.
Finding the courage to try again takes overcoming fear and realizing that life is all about risks. Whether we realize it or not every day we take risks. Without taking a risk we will never know if we will have what we so deeply desire. Fear is paralyzing and can be one of our major enemies if we allow it. Don’t get me wrong, some fear is healthy and needed. The last thing we want is a world where no one fears God, the law, punishment and etc… However we also must keep in mind that some fear is the opposite of faith and that fear will always keep us from accomplishing our dreams and visions. That fear will cause us to live an unfulfilled life where we choose to settle for a place of discontentment instead of a place of fulfillment and accomplishment.
In February 2012 after arriving in Germany I went to my husband and expressed my desire to try for another baby. He was willing and ready to try again as well. That Easter we discovered that I was pregnant and in December of that year we welcomed our second son. We had gone through a hard time but God still showed his faithfulness. Throughout the pregnancy I dealt with the fear of bonding with my baby and losing him. At one point I refused being given a baby shower because I did not want anyone to waste their money. God placed some very special women in my life in Germany and eventually they convinced me to allow them to bless me with a shower. I am so grateful that I finally gave in because that was a very special day and it was imperative that I conquer that fear.
Well it did not stop there. A year and a half later God blessed me to give birth to a baby girl and she was not planned. Just like her brothers she was a healthy baby and I must admit that I had the easiest pregnancy with her. Even in the midst of anger, hurt, confusion, hours of heartfelt conversations with my husband, mom and friends, I still had to gather the courage to try again. I had to come to my personal peace and acceptance of the loss of our babies and realize that I could not rob myself or my family of the opportunity to try and expand our family as we so desperately desired. There was no way I could bring our twin girls back to hear their first words, see their first steps, witness their first day of preschool and etc… Their deaths were not my fault and once I released myself of that guilt I was able to open myself up to hopes of experiencing those events with any future children God would bless us with and he did just that, blessed us indeed. My husband and I opened ourselves up to allow God to bless us when we decided to find the courage to try again.