This article is the second part to “Learning to Love Again Part I”. Here I will continue to share how my husband and I learned to survive in a marriage that seemed to be hopeless at times after his return from multiple deployments. In order to save our marriage KJ and I both realized that we each had to bear the responsibility and adapt to the situation that was currently at hand. We are thankful that God helped us to save our marriage and that we both learned how to love each other again after such a tough battle.
1. Commitment- When we marry our spouses we should always go in with the mindset that we are committing ourselves to each other in the good times and the hard times. I do understand that there are some situations that are exceptions to the rule such as marriages that endanger the lives of one or both spouses. However, in most marriages this is not the issue. We must understand that the wedding is not the marriage. It is common for people to look at the beauty of a wedding day and in their minds the realness of marriage is distorted. Regardless of how wonderful things may be at times there still are those days where couples will struggle.During our toughest days there were times when both my husband and I wanted to give up and leave. We talked about it on a few occasions and at one point I even planned to leave. However, even in those times we both made the decision to stay and fight for what was ours because we were committed to our marriage. I am in no way saying that being committed during the tough times is easy but it is necessary. Without being committed, the chance of staying the course until the end the marriage takes a positive turn is less likely.
2. Honest Communication- Without KJ and I being honest with each about our feelings during our tough times we would have been delayed in our process towards healing. There were moments when he felt wronged and misunderstood and so did I. The truth is that both of us had the right to feel this way because we were both guilty of wronging and misunderstanding the other. I began to shut down and even when my husband would notice that something was going on with me and attempt to find out what it was I would not share what I was truly feeling. I became guilty of misrepresenting my emotional and mental state which was not only unfair to my husband and my marriage but also to myself. In order to accurately deal with what we are feelings and give our spouses a fair chance to assist in helping to make things right we must be open and honest while having continued communication.
3. Love- The word of God states that, “love covers a multitude of sins”. When we learn to love correctly we understand that true love includes patience, understanding, forgiveness, commitment and etc… To truly love someone or something means that we are willing to go the extra mile to try and hold on to want we have. We understand that many times the love that we hold in our hearts will help us to beat the outside odds. Without our love for God, each other and our family KJ and I would have not been able to overcome the issues we were facing. Even during the toughest of times it was important that we remembered the love we shared. It is important to keep in mind that love is not based on feelings. Although we don’t always feel in love that does not necessarily mean that we do not love.
I hope and pray that some of what I have shared will help someone in their quest to learn how to love their spouse again after a traumatic event. Always keep in mind that just because the situation looks hopeless today does not automatically state that tomorrow will as well. Stay positive, although sometimes negative feelings will arise, always try to find your way back to a positive outlook. Find a strong and trustworthy support that has both you and your spouse’s best interest at heart. Talk with someone that will be nonbiased and will hold you both accountable, while also showing compassion and understanding. Never be afraid to ask for help! Seek out counseling if needed. Lastly, never lose the faith. Always remember that even in the toughest of situations God has the ability to turn it around. Have the faith and believe that you can and you will make it.